The last time I lay awake in the middle of the night, my heart felt heavy.
My thoughts were with my mother, who is home alone, and with my dad, who passed away. Worry, sadness and a bit of guilt came up at once, the way they have since he died. In the dark, feelings like that always seem bigger. Maybe you know those nights too.
What helped wasn't clever. I got up, went to the bathroom and just breathed. Back in bed, I put one or two drops of a calming oil blend behind my ears, put one hand on my heart and the other on my belly, and focused on my breathing until I felt calmer.
If you've already made thoughtful changes to your home, your food and your routines, nights like this can still happen. That's not a failure. It tells you something. Sleep and stress aren't two separate problems. They're one conversation, and your evening is where it starts.
Why sleep and stress are connected
Your body runs on a daily rhythm. In the morning, it wakes you up and gets you moving. In the evening, it's meant to slow down and prepare for rest. Hormones are part of that rhythm, sending signals about when to be alert and when to wind down.
Stress can blur those signals. A rushed, bright, busy evening tells your body that it's still time to stay on alert. Then, when you finally lie down, the message that the day is over hasn't arrived.
This is general information, not medical advice.
The evening that works against you
Most of us don't plan a bad evening. It just happens, one small habit at a time. Think of bright lights right up until bedtime, scrolling in bed, emails after dinner, a big late meal, caffeine in the afternoon, or a day that never had a real break in it.
Notice that none of this is about doing something wrong. It's about noticing what your evening is really telling your body.
Build a landing strip for the evening
Think of a plane coming in to land. It doesn't drop out of the sky, it slows down gradually and touches down gently. Your evening can work the same way. Here's what mine looks like.
When Ryan and I go to bed, I switch on a waterless diffuser and let a scent fill the bedroom. We each head to our own bathroom for our nighttime routine, and by the time we've brushed our teeth, the room smells wonderful.
We have a rule in our bedroom: no screens. Our phones stay in the room, switched off or on flight mode so the alarm can still go off. Blue light activates the brain instead of calming it, so we both read. Even when I'm exhausted, I read at least a paragraph or a page of a book I truly enjoy. I used to read mostly expert books. These days I read stories, and right now it's a book by a friend about her life.
There's usually a warm drink on my night table, often a turmeric drink. I sip it while I read. When the cup is empty, I massage one or two drops of an oil or oil blend around my ears and earlobes and along the outer rim of my ears. Sometimes I put it on my belly or the back of my neck, and when my legs are sore from yoga, I use a relaxing oil on my legs or under my feet. Please check the instructions on your own bottle before you try any of this.
Then the lights go off. The diffuser runs for two or four hours, so the room smells good while I fall asleep. Ryan says I fall asleep within three seconds. That's not true. I just get very calm, because I focus on my breathing and think about what I'm grateful for from the day.
And then there are the cats. They come to say good night, one sneaks in between us and the pillows, and when I get up at night, they follow me to the bathroom and back to bed. Some nights we fall asleep with three cats on the bed, some nights with one or none. By morning there are often one, two or even four.
A few things you can try
You don't need my exact routine. Give yourself a wind-down of 30 to 60 minutes before bed. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just needs to be steady:
- Dim the lights. Switch off the bright overhead lights and use softer lamps.
- Put the phone away. Switch it off or use flight mode, or charge it outside the bedroom if you can.
- Keep the same order. Doing the same steps each night teaches your body what comes next.
- Diffuse a calming scent like lavender, cedarwood or a blend like peace & calming 30min before you go to bed, stay consistent, your body will learn and recognize.
What you eat and drink in the evening
Food and drink send signals too. A big, heavy dinner close to bedtime can leave your body busy digesting when it wants to rest. Caffeine stays in the body for hours, so many women find an early afternoon cutoff helps. On the other hand, most of us don't drink enough during the day, and the body goes about eight hours without anything while we sleep. A glass of water or a calming tea before bed helps you start the night well hydrated. Mine is often a turmeric drink, sipped slowly while I read.
Hold on to what went well
I don't write a list of everything that's on my mind before I sleep. I think about what I loved during the day, my own little story, and I let that be the last thing. If your head is full of tomorrow's to-do list, writing it down on a piece of paper can be a relief too. Either way, you're telling your mind that it doesn't have to carry the day through the night.
Set up the room
Your bedroom can support the same message. Aim for a space that's cool, dark and quiet: a little cooler than the rest of the house, blackout curtains or a sleep mask if light comes in, and small glowing lights covered. If your pets wake you, give them their own cozy spot. Or do what I do and enjoy them.
Keep the rhythm steady, even on days off
Your body loves a pattern. Going to bed and waking up at similar times, even on days off, helps the daily rhythm stay steady. You don't need to be strict. Within an hour or so is plenty.
When your life is busy
Maybe someone needs you until late, or you work in the evening. A full wind-down may not be realistic every night, and that's okay. Ten minutes still counts. Dim one lamp, put your phone in another room and take a few slow breaths. Repeating something small is worth more than doing something big once.
What to do when you wake at 3 a.m.
It happens to almost everyone at some point. The best thing you can do is stay gentle with yourself.
- Avoid checking the clock. It can start a chain of worry about how many hours are left.
- Keep the lights low if you get up.
- Try box breathing. I put one hand on my heart and one on my belly.
- If a thought keeps looping, write it down so your mind can let go of it.
- Remind yourself that resting quietly still helps your body.
If night waking happens often, or you feel exhausted during the day, please check in and reach out - schedule a complementary wellness chat with me. You deserve support.
Start with one habit
You don't need to change your whole evening tonight. That would just be another thing to manage, and stress is the very thing we're trying to lower.
Pick one habit from this list. Maybe it's dimming the lights an hour before bed. Maybe it's reading one page of a story you love. Do it for one week and notice what shifts. Then add another if you want to.
Progress here is quiet, so be patient with yourself. A calmer evening is a gift you give to the woman who wakes up tomorrow. Take what fits. It's always a can and never a must.
If you'd like a little encouragement each week, with practical ideas that fit into real life, join me for my weekly wellness tips. I share one gentle step at a time.
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